"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen"

This verse has been on my mind and my heart this week. It's always interesting to see what we take away from Sunday sermon, what we dwell upon as we walk away.

During dinner on Monday, Patrick was talking about not faithing alone, that ministry is meant to be together not apart, and it was clear to me that that is the message God has for Him this week.

I was quiet about what God has been talking to me about...at the beginning of my weekly housechurch questions it asks "Have you ever been through a medical treatment or training regiment that caused things to get worse before they got better?"

Yes. On both accounts.

To be light in sports analogies I remember learning to play softball in the sixth grade. I'd never played a sport before that point, besides dance as a little girl, and to be honest before that I was more interested in reading and wandering through the woods and looking at nature picking flowers. But I decided I could play softball and so I tried out. I only spent 3 months in the minor leagues before I got up to the majors and I met a coach who would touch my life. His name was Franny and he looked at me one day and told me I had raw talent but unless I refined it, I was going to be the right fielder until the end of time. While the others did team drills, I spent twice as long (after practice too) throwing the softball at the fence, perfecting my throwing technique.
The same with hitting. My Dad would take me to the batting cages and I'd bat until I was exhausted. It was humiliating at times and frustrating even more, but I became the first base player, and later the catcher as we played in summer tournaments all over the state. I remember one day playing 4 games in a row, and coach kept checking to see if I needed to be transferred out. I had dirt in my mouth, eyes, hair, and all my muscles ached but I was having the time of my life! And those summers are some of my favorite memories ever. I played until I was 16 and then went on to play volleyball and run track in high school, and I could do them all pretty well.

And that leads me to my "yes" on the medical treatments account. I went apple picking two days ago and as men do, Patrick and Steve spent more time throwing apples and discussing technique than anything else. It was hilarious to watch but frustrating for me too. Because if you were to look inside my heart, you'd see how much I wanted to throw them too, and I know plenty about proper technique...but you'd never know it. Because I couldn't throw the apples because once again I have a huge cyst in my ovaries, and my endometriosis has returned to make movements that would stretch that part of me extremely painful and dangerous too. It's how I felt five years ago when we would all play volleyball on the common, and I couldn't play for the same reasons. I was a varsity player for crying out loud, but yet I seemed like a fat little weakling. Maybe others don't see it that way, but you have to think that part of them does too because I didn't miss the surprise in one of my friends voices as they said "I didn't know you were an athlete" with shock that the chubby girl who they never see do much knew how to do those things. (Then they moved on to javelin techniques--and yep, that's right, I used to throw that too). And when I couldn't carry the bag because I'm not supposed to hold heavy things to make the thing burst in me, my other friend in her slightly blunt way said "You should have him take you to the gym--make you strong" No gym is going to fix this. I wish I could explain how misunderstood and embarrassed that can make me feel.

So I know a little bit about walking blindfolded. Having endometriosis turned my life around. It's made me closer to Jesus, and with Him I've been able to conquer many obstacles. This past year alone I've lost over 30 pounds, and still going. So healing is coming...I found out things not to eat that make me feel lots better. But every once in a while I get knocked down like these past few weeks and life becomes really hard. It was hard to do my job (wacky hormones don't help you have patience with needy second graders), it was hard to do everything. But I do see God in this, I know He has a plan, and I know I need to keep walking.

So what do I hope for---healing. But I hope for more than that. I am tired of this alone...and no matter how unfair it would be for a man to have an often in pain wife like me---I want to be a wife and a mother in a way that hurts sometimes. I don't usually say that because I very much want to be content where God has me......but that is my hope. So I'm praying that I have the faith to believe the Lord gave me those desires, and just like the days I spent throwing at the fence and trapped in a batting cage----it will all pay off in the end. But this waiting is better, because it's time to grow closer to God.

Like Moses, sometimes I rage at Him. And like Moses I often focus way too much on self. God can handle raging but He'd be so much more pleased if I faithed secure.

May I please Him, and lose myself in the process.

Blindfolded, so help me God.